I miss him singing me to sleep.
Lesson Number 1: Do not speed on the freeway between Salt Lake City and Las Vegas..
Utah Cops don't have anything better to do.
Therefore, don't give them anything better to do.
Goal: Save Jeff Dixon. My birthday weekend was amazing. Thanks to Aaron and Jeff. Picture update soon.
Ps. I spoiled myself on my birthday and I have given birth to my new baby...
My birthday weekend was amazing. Thanks to Aaron and Jeff.
Picture update soon.
I'm almost completely moved out of my cute apartment in the Avenues with Natalie. As I was packing, nostalgia seeped into me. I decided to move back to Las Vegas but fate decided other.Now, I currently live in a yellow house with 4 other girl. But I still crave going back to Las Vegas everyday.
I have made clear decisions to move back home but big furniture, the notion of "giving up", my sister being closer,a selected few and a broken belief is keeping me stationed to a place I'd rather not be. I want to go back home to my comfort and I feel it everyday but somehow fate has lead me there in that yellow house. I don't understand why I'm being forced to be somewhere I don't want to be anymore but somehow I'll just talk myself into thinking it's some type of blessing in disguise. Something is keeping me in Salt Lake and I'm yet to find this out.
I'm currently a mess but messes clean up.
My trust in people has been eaten up by drama but I always believe in Karma. And I think I actually watched it unfold right in front of my eyes. The results never look pretty and everyone leaves unsatisfied because nobody likes losing something/someone. I believe drama can be judged only by character. I'm dissapointed in some people but only expectations are the only reason, right? Sigh.
I'm growing up and it's stressful. I think I use to walk my life through on an easy pace but now I'm running full speed to growing up these days and I'm still trying to catch my breath. Money, love, stabilty, comfort are issues I've come to realize are never easy without patience,sacrifrice and fate. I've been on the edge every minute of giving up but I haven't yet and I'm proud of myself. I won't lie though, it's secretly killing me inside but I'm great at disguising this fued between myself.
Last night, I made a last minute decision to come back to Vegas, not for good, for the weekend...
Celebrate my sister's departure from home, to see the people who mean the most to me, to mediate a broken heart, to help me realize what I need/want to do with my upcoming decisions......
And I don't know how i'm going to make it within myself to get back on that plane to go back.....
Prayer is guiding me to where I'm needed. Just everything in between to where I'm supposed to be is a bigger trial than expected.
The truth is, this is the most scattered I've felt, but the most collected.
I don't even know how to make sense of it either.
I believe it.
I almost feel like giving up but I haven't yet.
I'm just hoping sacrifice and patience can pull through this trial.
And somehow results will surface sometime soon.
If not, I've got one last conclusion that is beginning to look better and better within the minute.
But I don't want to give up just yet.
So, fate, please stop teasing..... show yourself.
I've already stopped looking for you.
ps. Sorry for dissapearing. I seclude myself in times of troule. I don't know why still. But I know when I need your help the most, I seem to think I can figure it out on my own. I know that's not true but I don't want to pull anyone else down with the direction I'm heading. I love all of my friends even if I haven't been there this last month, I'm a wreck. But I always figure it out, don't I?
1. Mental Breakdown.
4. Self- Cleansing.
5. Renourish/ Replenish!
After the last two months and more of unstability, I was happy. Life was random and a big vacation. It was all horse-play, but it was exciting. Traveling everywhere, coming and going as I please was a joy.
The moment when I watched Ashley and Melissa drive away from my apartment in SLC.. it only meant, it was back to reality. Everything seem to have dissapeared and I felt altered in some other form I didn't even know anymore. My avoidance of it (reality) hit hard when I realized that everything was in the worst place since I've left my high. I tried as hard not to be home as much as I could to stay away because I felt uncomfortable. Getting off your highs hurts when you're addicted but you know that it's not good for your life to stay up there. It was time to get back on my feet. So I had gathered myself and put myself on trial in conclusion to replenish myself back to society.
I'm still confused and BIG decisions are pouring on me within the next few weeks.
But who has all the answers at this age anyway?
I've got to trust faith more and I do.
Phone service was cut. Internet service was cut.
I quit myspace as well, with the cleansing inspiration and will continue this.
I'm reading one of the most inspiring books right now, Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.
I work at Nordstrom now, 40 hours/5 days a week.
Hail to income!
I'm in a process of something great...I hope.
Watch out... upcoming events will be occuring.
to get myself into the gears of self-motivation
I'm in agony of a new perspective but I just can't find
an experience that's meerly affective
I'm not self-efficient, I'm intertwined in my insecurities
Because hopelessness have dug me into my own unstability
And I"m nothing of action but all in theory
My priorities all torn and my verbs are caught unclearly
There's not a stone that God that can make to heavy to lift
I'm given a hope that I pray as a gift
Today is the day, Today is that day
I''m not soaking in the mess I've made
Depression is just an melo-dramatized temporal notion
I'm relying on direction than just following the motions
The formula of the measure of time can only be found inside
I know there's faith but this is my life
I've painted my marks, I've created my art
I've got nothing to follow, but the voice in my heart
LIfe is a creation held my inspiration
I'm walking on a new path to self-motivation
Edit: This was a a private entry.
I'm a lucky girl.
Last night kicked my ass pretty hard but the moment has passed.
The anxiety built me to break me down.
Finding the "direction in my life" is not worth eating myself up for when I know I'm not alone in this.
Tomorrow is always a new day.
Chase and I are climbing a big mountain tomorrow and having a picnic with two other couples.
I love having someone to be cute with.
I love being in love.